Hey there! It’s your favorite blogger who only posts once a year. This is my 2022 post. I’m back from another long hiatus to discuss the things that are really grinding my gears right now (blog post coming soon). First let me explain my absence. I’ve been going through it y’all. It’s been extreme highs and then constant series of lows. I just realized this year that I am always depressed. I’ve been like this all my life. Everyone goes through it yes but sometimes I can’t handle mine. My mind is my arch-nemesis. I get tired of fighting with her sometimes so I let her win and beat up on me for weeks at a time. I felt like my blog was a self-help blog so I couldn’t come on here and type advice while I’m struggling. I would be a fraud and I do not want to be that. I’ve since talked my mind out of this and came to the conclusion that this is not a self-help blog. It is a blog for me to discuss things happening in my life and if it helps someone then that’s great. This should be an outlet for me to rant and discuss whatever and I’m hoping my audience will relate. This is for my 20-somethings. You’re not alone. I worry a lot about my future. I have no fucking clue what I want to do next year. I also think up 20 different careers I would like to get into but then I get anxious cause I’m not sure it will be the right choice. I too graduated from college and feel like I’m not putting my degree to proper use. I too feel like I wasted a shit ton of money on a piece of paper. Just know you have someone to relate to. That being said, I will be here more often since this is a ranting blog now. I won’t Normani you. I pinky promise. Can’t wait to share this journey with you. XOXO.
It’s officially 2021! If any of you are like me then you used your free trial (January) to binge watch shows, cartoons and anime to recharge for this new year. With corona still on the loose, we’re definitely going to need everything we can get to push through the year. Self care routines, meditation exercises, a long list of shows, music playlists, etc. I got y’all with the playlist. One of my goals for this year is to dive into my musical passions. One of them being curating music playlists on Spotify. Many of the songs on this list were with me throughout 2020. These songs pick me up when I need encouragement and also help me to feel good. I hope they will do the same for you.
Lonely by Chloe x Halle
Favorite Line: “It don’t have to be lonely being alone” & “Who are you when no ones watching?”
I love this song so much, it gets an entire dissertation paragraph.
Chloe x Halle’s “Ungodly Hour” was one of my favorite albums of 2020. It is a beautiful body of work that relates to the lives of young adults. When I tell you EVERY SONG ON THIS ALBUM HITS DIFFERENT!! It’s so relatable. I know this song might seem like it’s going to be sad but I promise you it is not. The drum instrumentals lift up the song. I was unable to see many of my friends and some family members when things were locked down in the summer. This really had me down and depressed. Throughout 2020 I had to spend more time with myself than I normally do. I had to sit with myself and enjoy my own company. I learned so much about myself during this period of lockdown that I probably would have never known. I am grateful for that. I use to listen to this song when I felt alone and it reminded me that even when you’re alone you have yourself. You can truly focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Isolation and being alone can be liberating especially for my fellow people pleasers. This is a must for your 2021 music survival kit.
I would definitely be up to do an in-depth review on that album on my blog or YouTube channel if you guys want it.
2. Toast by Koffee
Favorite Line: “Mi haffi thank God fi di journey, di earnings a jus fi di plus (Thank God for the journey, the blessings are just a plus)
Y’all already know how much I love this song. I don’t even have to say much about it. I play this song a lot but, I played it even more in 2020. It will continue to be in my rotation this year. From the groovy instrumental to the laid back sound of Koffee’s voice, this song is a feel good jam all the way. “Toast” reminds me all the time of gratitude. There is so much to be grateful for even in the midst of our chaos.
3. Golden by Ruth B
Favorite Line: “Out of the ashes you buried me in I am golden”
I often play this song when I am journaling. The piano instrumental is very soothing. The lyrics are even more soothing. This is a good pick me up song that I rediscovered in January. If I feel mentally weak or feel like nothing is going right, I play this song. The words “I am golden” are a reminder of who I am and who I will continue to be regardless of what obstacles push me off my path. In 2021, remind yourself that you are not weak. 2020 was a chaotic year, but you survived it and you will survive this year as well. You are golden.
4. Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles
Standout Line: ” Here comes the sun, and I say..It’s all right “
Every time I hear this song, I want to wake up early in the morning and be productive. I’m still working on that. I might set this as my alarm. Any-who, this song is both a feel good jam and a pick me up. I am not a huge Beatles fan but, this song is amazing. It is really simple but, sometimes simplicity is key. I always smile and dance like I’m in a music video or movie when I hear this song. In this song, the Beatles tell me that everything will be ok eventually. The sun is going to come out and make things better. No lyrics in the song speak on how happiness is temporary but that comes to mind when I listen to the song. I have made peace with knowing that happiness does not last forever and that’s what makes it so great. You really appreciate the moments you are happy because they are not eternal. Light always shows up after a period of darkness. It’s a cycle. When this pandemic is over (whenever that is), we will be in bliss. There will be so much happiness and light. This song reminds me of that.
5. Don’t Forget to Breathe (Interlude) by Stormzy ft. Yebba
Standout Line: “And when you’re down and up, just hold on please or just close your eyes and count to three”
This song is good for meditating. It is very mellow and slow. I usually put it on repeat while I meditate or do breathing exercises to calm my anxiety/panic attacks. I also use this song to let out all my emotions if I hold them in for too long. I get overwhelmed easily so this is a pick me up song for me. Whenever you get overwhelmed, anxious or just need to take a pause play this song.
6. Savannah Grass by Kes
Favorite Line: “We goin’ make dem(them) free up. Is de place of Bacchanal. With our vibes so magical”
The whole song is a vibe. It’s pretty repetitive but I feel EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. If euphoria could be described by one song, this is the song. This is a banger in your car or when you’re jumping around in your room trying to entertain yourself. I play this when I work out too. This is a feel good jam. I feel like I am at a Caribbean carnival (one of my happy places) when I hear it. When you listen to this song, just picture yourself at your favorite place and jam out. I guarantee your dopamine levels will increase.
7. Jam by Wizkid ft. Chronixx
Favorite Line: “Tryna make you feel blessed. Give you daily blessings”
Another one of my feel good jams. I don’t think a lot of people know about this afrobeat jam so let me put you on. I hope they play this song at the parties whenever this is all done. Until they do, jam out to it in your car and room.
8. Cool as the Breeze by Chronixx
Favorite Line: “Member everyday a summer when yuh deh a Jamaica (Everyday is summer when you are in Jamaica) “
I hope the Jamaican tourist board make this one of the official songs they use in their vacation advertisements. I can vividly picture Jamaica when I listen to this song. The vibes and the culture. This song reminds me of home which is another one of my happy places. Even if you don’t understand what is being said in this song, the instrumental alone will make you feel good.
9. Walking On a Dream by Empire of the Sun
Favorite Line: “Never looking down, I’m just in awe of what’s in front of me”
This electro-pop song always makes me smile no matter what mood I’m in. It’s a head swaying anthem. For me, this song is about finding things to love about life. It is about appreciating life and living it to the max. When I’m in a funk, I listen to this song to lift my spirits and it usually motivates me to go do something. No matter what, we can’t waste our time or life.
10. Icy by Pink Sweat$
Favorite Line: “I’m just too cold, icy. From my head to toe”
This is another feel good jam. The disco, groovy instrumental makes me feel so cool/cold. I listen to this when I need a little something to build my confidence back up. This song will make you feel even more fly than you already are.
11. I Am by Yung Baby Tate ft. Flo Milli
Favorite Line: “I am hеalthy, I am wealthy, I am rich, I am that bitch”
This last song is a feel good banger not a jam. I had to add at least one bad bitch song on here for my girls. This is a popular Tik Tok song. A lot of people have made my favorite line their daily mantra and I love it. It is an energy and confidence booster as well.
Honorable Mention: Good Days by SZA
This song needs no introduction. It is a popular Tik Tok song right now. It is a beautiful vibe. Check it out if you haven’t heard it.
I hope you like all of the songs or at least some of them. I hope they help you throughout the year. I would love to hear what songs you plan to add to your music survival list this year. I linked the playlist with all of the songs down below. Sorry to my Apple Music people. You will have to add them manually or make the switch the better music app, Spotify. This is a Spotify Stan blog.
Social media is powerful. It’s influential. People have flipped their profiles into money making machines which is amazing. However, social media can still be depressing as hell. Many people live a facade on these apps. They only show their success and happiness which causes some people to compare themselves. That causes depression in some people. I am one of them. This situation happened to me during my final months of college (I’ll get into it more in my post-grad series). Some people can be so engulfed in another person’s life on these apps and not focus on their own life. I didn’t want to be that person anymore.
I was on social media heavy. I used Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and occasionally Facebook. Instagram was my trouble app. I deleted my Instagram for two weeks for those reasons. The content I was seeing made me depressed and reminded me of my past mistakes & situations. I couldn’t take another day of seeing the people I had problems with last year popping up on my time line . I was tired of looking at posts and comparing myself as well. It was getting addictive. I had to take a break from the facade and get back in touch with things I can see physically and not through a glass screen. For the first two days I missed it but I got use to it. I didn’t miss it that much after that. I went on Snap-chat for a few days after I stopped using the other apps and had to remind myself that it was a form of social media as well.
When I got back on my apps I used them less. As soon as I went back on Instagram, I started deleting some of the accounts that made me have those feelings before. I purged my feed from anything that could trigger negativity in me. It was nice to detach. I had to find other things to do with my time. I started focusing on a project I wanted to release and catching up on shows (I call it balance lol). When quarantine began I started going back on Instagram heavy because I was bored. I started experiencing the same issues again. I’m now trying to work on eliminating things in my life that cause me distress and create negativity. The way I use social media is the problem not the applications themselves. Instead of leaving social media again, I just created another page and followed accounts that promote positivity and accounts with content I love. I’ve followed pages that share positive quotes, music facts, travel content and home decor. The time I usually spend on my main account is now spent on that page. On that page I don’t care how many people I follow. When my main account feels depressing I retreat there. I call it my feel good account. This account has helped me to use Instagram in a healthier fashion.
Enough of my words. I’ll be interviewing someone for the last half of this post. I would like to introduce my guest Jamar. He also took a two week social media hiatus with me. I’ll shamelessly plug his info at the end.
So Jamar how do you use instagram?
I use Instagram for entertainment. I use it for being conceited with posting pictures/videos of myself on my story. I post pictures that I think are Instagram worthy, usually pictures of my outfits and pictures with nice backgrounds. I also use it for my news updates (The Shade Room) so I can know what’s going on around the world.
And how often did you go on it?
Before the hiatus, I would be on Instagram 24/7. I don’t know about you but I would be on Instagram scrolling down on my feed until I see the “you’re all caught up” message. When I use to see that I’d get so depressed. I’d tell myself “Jamar you don’t have a life. Get your life together”.
Why did you decide to take a hiatus?
One day I was on Instagram after I got home from work and my phone was on 5%. I saved that little percentage I had so that I could listen to music while taking my shower. in the middle of the third or the fourth song my phone died. When that happened I was so sad I felt like I died with my phone because I never allow my phone to die. That was the fastest shower I ever took. I ran out to charge it and guess what I did? Yup.. I got on Instagram! The next morning when you called me to wake me up I told you I wanted to take a break from social media. Especially Instagram. You agreed and we planned the break.
How was your two week break?
The first day was hard. It felt weird not getting any notifications from the people I turned on notifications for. Usually when I was bored, I would go straight to Instagram but this time I had to actually communicate with people around me. When I was home, I would listen to music and do stuff for my YouTube channel. I’m not going to lie it was hard. I never normally use twitter but it became my best friend. I was on it a lot and I think I cheated the hiatus a little bit, but it was different.
How are you using social media these days?
I hoped when I went back to Instagram I wouldn’t abuse it the way I did before the hiatus. I went back to Instagram and I never saw the “you’re all caught up” message again. But now I’m on Instagram heavy again. You know Corona virus is real. When it’s over I’m going to try and do better and if I’m acting the same way I was before I’ll probably take another break. Maybe one longer than two weeks.
These are just two perspectives on social media and breaks. I would love to hear your opinions and tips as well.
This is a phrase from one of my favorite songs of 2019. I might dare to say one of my favorite songs of all time. The lyric comes from a song called “Toast” by the Jamaican artist Koffee. She just won a Grammy for best reggae album and I’m so proud of her. I just wanted to plug y’all if you didn’t know the song. Get hip to it. You’ll thank me later.
Gratitude. It is a must. Life gets complicated. It gets sticky. It makes your teeth clench at times and makes you want to bang your head against the wall at other times. Focusing on those negative times in your life can make you feel even more like crap. Last year was pretty crappy. I was tied up in my feelings of betrayal and heartbreak. I had negative thoughts about life, love, family relationships, friendships and myself. I did a lot of cool things last year. I did a lot of firsts but I was drowning in a sea of negativity. Engulfed in that bad situation. Looking back at it, I could’ve lessened my stress last year by thinking more about the good things that happened to me. Some people can think heavily on their negative experiences and use that to lift themselves out of depression. They can use that to motivate their self growth as well. That’s not me. I strive when I’m happy or in positive spaces. Gratitude is positive.
One of my goals for this year is to force myself to be more grateful (yup I have a resolution. I’m a basic bitch). Terrible things will happen to you, but sadly you’re judged on how you bounce back from them. Your challenge and objective is to always bounce back and level up. I know being more grateful can help me get out of my rut. I have periods of depression where I don’t do shit but binge eat and bum out. This stage doesn’t make me a better person. So I’m trying something new. Me and one of my cousins are Pinterest feens. They saw this idea called a gratitude jar. You get a jar and each day you write down what you’re grateful for that day. At the end of the year you’ll have 365 things you’re grateful for. Whenever I feel down about how my life, I plan on choosing one of the gratitudes to read to myself. It’s cheesy but I’m cheesy. Writing notes for the jar forces me to be grateful for what I do have. I write simple things like “I’m grateful for life”. Even the simple things should be appreciated. I feel good when I have to dig deep to find an entry for my jar after a shitty day. When I feel good, I become productive. I’ll keep you updated on my jar and I hope some of you try it out.
PS: I’ll try to include songs in my posts because I like sharing music with others. I’ll also share one or two gratitudes.
Here’s one for this post: I’m grateful for Soca music. It gives me a boost of energy and lightens my mood.
Hello all. I’m the host of this blog. Even in writing I am sometimes awkward as fuck. Obviously many of you can tell that I am a newbie to this. My name is Tammy. I am 22 years old. I am a recent college graduate. I identify as an Afro-Jamaican cisgender woman. I am a writer ( poems, songs and now blog postings yay!! ). This is my first time really publishing my writing. As the blog goes on, you will get to know me a lot more.
The name of this blog (BULLCACA SPEAKS) is a double entendre. Caca means shit in Haitian Creole (shoutout to my Zoes) and I think it has a similar meaning in Jamaican Patois. Bull and caca together makes Bullshit. A lot of the shit I dealt with was bullshit. It could’ve been avoided. “Bullcaca speaks” represents me speaking you all through your bullshit. I’m also a Taurus. The symbol for Taurus is a bull and so “bullcaca” also means Taurus shit. This touches on the leisure and self-care side of the blog. Taureans love leisure and spoiling themselves.
This blog is centered around lifestyle. I will touch on many aspects of lifestyle. Mainly adulting, mindfulness and self-love/care. I have been through a few setbacks and I know from experience it’s helpful to hear from people who have been in similar situations. It gives you different perspectives on the given situation and different ways to find solutions. You could agree with my posts and implement specific things from my posts into your life. You might disagree with what I’m saying too. Maybe doing the opposite of what I suggest can be helpful to you. Either way, I’m aiming for my posts to inspire you all with ideas and strategies for self improvement. I hope to help a lot of people struggling with depression, social anxiety, toxic families, the strife of adulting, etc. I look forward to writing and communicating with you all.